Enough About You – jeprr1271

Revised Version:

Money seems to have a big role in our society. It is a necessity and nothing much can be done without it. It’s value can be represented in different ways. In order for this to work, faith in the government and the banking system that our money is being handled correctly is required. Either trust has to be placed in some organization or not. If it’s the latter, money has to be hidden while its value being recognized. Banks say that they handle money correctly but no one can be sure if that’s 100% the case. Yep Fei, US gold, French francs, Brazilian cruzeros, and debit accounts now seem similar. The owner of his/her money don’t actually see what goes behind the scenes with their transactions. For example, whenever someone gets paid, they aren’t handed a check and they aren’t paid in cash. The payment is a deposit into their bank account and trust has to be placed in the banking system that their deposit is handled correctly.

One thought on “Enough About You – jeprr1271”

  1. Good work overall, Jeprr. Your use of passive in the early sentences is effective and different. In the last few sentences, you trap yourself with singular pronouns (he/she/someone) that don’t agree with the plurals that follow (their/they).

    The owner of his/her money don’t actually see what goes behind the scenes with their transactions. For example, whenever someone gets paid, they aren’t handed a check and they aren’t paid in cash. The payment is a deposit into their bank account and trust has to be placed in the banking system that their deposit is handled correctly.

    The simplest solution (always!) is to stick with plurals where necessary and to eliminate pronouns completely where they’re not.

    Owners of money don’t actually see what goes behind the scenes with their transactions. They aren’t handed checks, and they aren’t paid in cash. Payments are deposits into bank accounts and trust has to be placed in the banking system that deposits are handled correctly.

    See how clean that is? Who needed all those people?

    Like

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