A car is driving down the road very late at night. The sky is pitch black, there are no streetlights, and the only source of light being provided is from the car’s headlights. The view shows the car as if the viewer is on the side of the road watching the car on the right side of the road drive pass them. It seems to be a highway as there are no buildings in sight, just some fields, and trees. The view changes and is shown as if the viewer is standing on the other side of the road, looking at the car driving. The car isn’t driving too fast, but it does feel as if something unexpected is about to happen.
There is now a front view of the car driving down the road. It is on a highway, so it is going quite fast. It is still pitch-black outside, with the only light coming from the car’s headlights. All of a sudden, a person from the side of the road appears. The only part of the person visible is their lower body. They start walking onto the road. The gives the viewers some anxiety as the person is probably going to get hit by the car.
The view now changes as if the viewer is in the driver’s seat. There are still no other cars in sight. There is a yellow line with yellow dashes on the road, which means cars can come from both directions. The car’s headlights provide light to show that the human is now in the middle of the road, right in the car’s path. The person is a guy, probably in his older teens, looking down, his arms out in front of him, not realizing there is a car. He is dressed in casual clothes such as a long sleeve shirt, a pair of long pants, and white sneakers. The director most likely chose these clothes to show that the person is just an average guy. The car is still driving quite fast, which is terrifying as it seems they are about to hit the person.
The view is on the side again, with the guy on the left and the car on the right. The car comes to complete stop so that it doesn’t hit the person. This gives a sense of relief to the audience, as the person did not get run over. He is still looking down while he is walking, and it appears that he is holding something in his hands.
The view changes to where the guy is the center of attention and the car is in the background with its headlights shining on him. His hands are holding something, and a faint light is coming from whatever he is holding. It is most likely a cellphone, as he is also moving his thumbs, indicating that he is texting. This shows that the director wanted the guy to keep texting, as it seems that on being on the phone is more important than being aware of what is going on.
The boy now looks up from his phone and looks at the car. The view is shown from the driver’s perspective now. His hands are still out in front of him holding his phone. He is wearing a brown shirt, a sweatshirt, a leather jacket, and jeans. His facial expressions seem neutral, as he isn’t scared. Perhaps he is confused or shocked why the car is right there in front of him. This is shown to indicate that the guy is supposed to be acting like an animal, as animals have no expressions.
The view now changes to show the front of the car looking at the driver and passenger. The driver and passenger, however, are deer. They are just staring straight ahead at the guy. This is ironic as people are the drivers and the deer are the most common animals to be hit by cars. The director wanted to show the irony in this by showing that no matter who the driver is, texting will always be a distraction. The lights of the car are still on. The antlers of the deer stick out from the top of the car as if there is a sunroof that is open on the car. The lights inside the car are on as well. Although the deer have no facial expressions, it seems that they are confused as to why the boy is in the middle of the road.
The boy is now seen from the driver’s point of view. He is still staring at the car with a blank expression. It is confusing because the boy was about to be hit by the car, but didn’t seem shaken by the incident.
All of a sudden, however, he starts running across the road very fast. The car still isn’t moving. He keeps running until he is on the other side of the road.
The view is very up close and personal to the two deer in the car. The deer in the passenger seat turns to look at the deer in the driver’s seat. Both deer start to shake their heads back and forth as they seem annoyed, probably because the boy was texting and didn’t realize where he was or care about the dangers of being hit by a car.
The car is now viewed from behind. Three more people come out from the same side of the road where the boy appeared. They are running with their knees are up high, trying to copy some sort of startled animal that is running. There are one boy and two girls, and all three of them are dressed in very casual clothes like the first guy, like jeans, sweatshirts, and sneakers. They also seem like are also 16 or 17 years old. The car on the road is still stopped but turned on, as the brake lights are on. The people are running to the other side of the road where the first guy went. They also all have phones in their hands and are looking down at them while they are running.
The frame starts to fade away while the group of people is running to the other side of the road. Text pops us in a white, simple font that reads “Don’t text when on the road.”
Once the people are on the opposite side of the road, the car starts to drive off. The text starts to fade away. The only light that is provided is from the car’s headlights and brake lights, as well as from the phones of the three people.
The group of people is now off the road, and the is still driving. It is driving at a slower speed than the beginning of the clip, probably to show that the deer are being more careful in case there are more people that come onto the road. The last thing seen as the scene fades away into a black screen is the car driving away. Text pops up that reads “It’s not safe for deer…” then right after, “or humans.” This is to show that both animals and people can be injured by texting and driving and that the bad action can lead to serious consequences.
A black screen appears with the website “stoptextsstopwrecks.org” as well as names of companies that help bring awareness about texting and driving. Besides this text, the other graphic Is yellow dashed lines in the center of a screen, just like yellow dashed lines on a road. They are moving to act as if someone is driving on a road.
3 thoughts on “Visual Rewrite- beachgirl6”
BeachGirl, can you guide me in any way to make a more targeted response to your post than “feedback, please”?
I’m trying to help as many students as possible, and I can be more help to everyone if you ask me specific questions or guide my reading to aspects of your writing that concern you most. I’ll respond first to students who ask me questions I can answer in 15-30 minutes.
Once I respond and you make substantial changes, you can put the post back into Feedback Please for another set of specific questions.
I’d appreciate the give-and-take. Thanks.
Did I explain the rhetoric well? I tried to include as much visual description but was wondering if I described the rhetoric enough to get the director’s point across.
I didn’t understand the Point-of-View (POV) descriptions, so I went to look at the video, BG. A couple things occur to me as I watch it. The screen starts all black, and brightens only as the car headlights approach—an indication of just how dark the scene is when no cars are passing. Who would ever see the car pass from a stationary position across the road? Not another driver (the camera would be in motion). Maybe a cop parked alongside the road watching for infractions. Does the road sign pointing “left” seem like a cautionary warning not to drift off the road to the right? An indication that the road might be curving left ahead? These are not facts, but the do occur to the mind of the viewer at least subliminally (hence, rhetoric!).
When the POV shifts, it’s to the much more dangerous position along the shoulder of the road in the path of an oncoming car (if that car ignored the warning road sign and drifted off the road in our direction). We’re in danger at this location even before the legs appear walking toward the road. Remember how VERY dark the area is. The driver will surely not see us until it’s too late to avoid hitting us.
If these hints are enough to help you see how our restless minds analyze every aspect of the visuals we encounter, you’ll be able to work the same exercise on the rest of the video yourself. Feel free to put your work back into Feedback Please after you’ve given it a shot.
Thank you for your specific question.