Robust Verbs (2)- wildwood

First revision

Vancouver is currently reeling with heroin addicts committing crimes such as assaults, burglary, and stealing to support their illegal habits. The “free heroin for addicts” program is doing everything they can to stop the addicts from committing such crimes by conveying a safe venue and paraphernalia to get their daily fix to be able to function properly. This program will only support the addiction, not help addicts ween off using heroin. The “free heroin for addicts,” program will also keep the heroin users out of the hospital by providing sanitary needles, deterring addicts from reusing needle after needle. Hospitals having to deal with addicts that want to use unsanitary needles is a hopeless waste of resources that the hospital could divert to another patient with a much more serious ailment. This program gives addicts free and clean-cut heroin and by doing so, will help city resources such as police and EMTs focus on bigger issues and boost the quality of life.

Second revision

Vancouver has been reeling with the issue for some time of heroin addicts committing crimes such as assaults, burglary, and theft to support their illegal habits. The “free heroin for addicts,” program gives the addicts a way out from committing such violent crimes by conveying a safe venue and issuing free paraphernalia for addicted citizens so they can receive their daily fix to be able to function properly. “Free heroin for addicts,” will also keep the heroin users out of the hospital by providing sanitary needles, deterring addicts from reusing needle after needle. Hospitals dealing with addicts that choose to use unsanitary needles is a hopeless waste of resources that the hospital could divert to another patient with a more serious ailment. This program gives addicts free and clean-cut heroin and by doing so, will help city resources such as police and EMTs focus on bigger issues and boost the everyday quality of life.

One thought on “Robust Verbs (2)- wildwood”

  1. This gets better and better, Wildwood, but of course the job is never done. I notice you streamlined the Hospital sentence in several ways that improve its flow, from:

    Hospitals having to deal with addicts that want to use unsanitary needles is a hopeless waste of resources that the hospital could divert to another patient with a much more serious ailment.

    To:

    Hospitals dealing with addicts that choose to use unsanitary needles is a hopeless waste of resources that the hospital could divert to another patient with a more serious ailment.

    This improvement nicely eliminates the “having to deal” and shifts the focus from addicts “wanting” to use, which wouldn’t be a problem, to addicts “choosing” to use, which of course is the addict’s primary curse.

    But even that sentence could be further improved. One step would be to focus on what wastes time. It’s the “dealing with addicts,” not the “Hospitals dealing with addicts.” A small change, but they add up. How do they deal? By admitting the addicts and treating them. So, first step:

    Dealing with addicts who use unsanitary needles is a hopeless waste of resources that Vancouver’s hospitals could divert to another patient with a more serious ailment.

    Second step:

    Wasting beds on addicts who use unsanitary needles prevents Vancouver’s hospitals from treating patients with ailments that aren’t self-inflicted.

    That last editorial comment isn’t overtly in the original paragraph, but its undertone certainly is.

    If you enjoy this sort of editing, we can do more. Just revise to your heart’s content and put the post back into Feedback Please.

    Like

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