Robust Verbs- wildwood

Vancouver is currently reeling with heroin addicts committing crimes such as assaults, burglary, and stealing to support their illegal habits. The “free heroin for addicts” program is doing everything they can to stop the addicts from committing such crimes by conveying a safe venue and paraphernalia to get their daily fix to be able to function properly. This program will only support the addiction, not help addicts ween off using heroin. The “free heroin for addicts,” program will also keep the heroin users out of the hospital by providing sanitary needles, deterring addicts from reusing needle after needle. Hospitals having to deal with addicts that want to use unsanitary needles is a hopeless waste of resources that the hospital could divert to another patient with a much more serious ailment. This program gives addicts free and clean-cut heroin and by doing so, will help city resources such as police and EMTs focus on bigger issues and boost the quality of life.

2nd Draft
Vancouver has been reeling with the issue for some time of heroin addicts committing crimes such as assaults, burglary, and theft to support their illegal habits. The “free heroin for addicts,” program gives the addicts a way out from committing such violent crimes by conveying a safe venue and issuing free paraphernalia for addicted citizens so they can receive their daily fix to be able to function properly. “Free heroin for addicts,” will also keep the heroin users out of the hospital by providing sanitary needles, deterring addicts from reusing needle after needle. Hospitals dealing with addicts that choose to use unsanitary needles is a hopeless waste of resources that the hospital could divert to another patient with a more serious ailment. This program gives addicts free and clean-cut heroin and by doing so, will help city resources such as police and EMTs focus on bigger issues and boost the everyday quality of life.

2 thoughts on “Robust Verbs- wildwood”

  1. Wildwood, you’ve done good work here of reducing the size of the original and eliminating much of the repetition. You’ve solved several grammar mistakes, and you’ve completely eliminated the “There are/It is” openings that weakened the original.

    Your verbs are more active than the first draft too.
    is reeling
    is doing
    will support
    will keep
    gives
    will help
    They’re not powerful, but they aren’t IS, so that’s improvement.

    Notice that you use plenty of secondary verbs in your phrases, verbs that could be make the primary verbs if you rephrased your material.
    reeling
    committing
    stop
    conveying
    ween
    providing
    deterring
    reusing
    waste
    divert

    Understand what I mean by primary and secondary verbs?
    In this sentence, IS is the primary verb and destroys is the secondary verb.

    Prescription drugs will be the biggest contributor to destroying our kids.

    In this sentence, DESTROY is the primary verb.

    Prescription drugs will destroy our kids.

    If you’re keeping score, the second sentence is the good one.

    You’ve eliminated the “There are/It is” openings mostly by substituting a new set of nearly identical first words. With a few modifications, four of your six sentences begin the same way:
    1. Vancouver is reeling
    2. The program is doing
    3. This program will support
    4. The program will keep
    5. Having to deal is a waste
    6. This program gives

    That may be all the feedback you want, Wildwood. (It may be MORE than you want.) But we can proceed further if it’s helpful.
    — You can respond by revising this paragraph and returning it to the Feedback Please category.
    — You can ask me to model the changes I think would best improve this paragraph.
    — You can respond that the feedback was helpful, or frustrating, or irrelevant to your needs, and we can close this case.

    But you do need to respond.
    Thanks!

    Like

  2. Wildwood, please don’t start a new post when you revise your work. Leave the feedback chain intact by opening your post in Edit, making revisions, and clicking Update. WordPress will save every draft. I will demonstrate that to you if you don’t remember seeing it in class.

    I see the changes you’ve made and I appreciate them, but until you’re ready to do serious revision, your work will remain substantially the same—capable, perfectly fine, but not as persuasive as it could be.

    Like

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