0:00-0:03- Five steps from the ocean and a very calm sea, an apparently young man in long pants and a long- sleeved shirt with sunglasses to block the glare of the sun kicks a beach ball into the air over his head. The boy kicks the ball lightly because he is having a pass with a young girl. The camera shows us a wide view of the beach to show the boy as well as the young girl. It is either dawn or sundown and we are aware of that because of the long thin shadow. The boy is only paying to attention to what is in front of him because the girl is running toward him and makes an attempt to jump upward to get the ball he has kicked. The girl is younger than he who is dressed in pink knee-length leggings and a loose pink top. She runs towards the ball and is very happy, she throws her arms above her head to track the ball’s fall in order to catch it. After the boy kicked the ball into the air he follows it to watch where it will fall but lets the girl catch it after a small bounce. He kicked the ball up for the young girl and wants her to enjoy the time they are spending together on the beach. She puts her tiny arms around as much of the ball as possible as the scene shifts. This perhaps is a brother and a sister or a father and daughter spending some quality time together on the beach doing something they enjoy doing.
0:04- The scene completely shifts and moves from a beach scene to an open field with a white sided house in the background behind multiple different bare trees. There is a man who looks to be in his 20’s or 30’s standing in the dew covered grass wearing a hat, a jacket and light blue jeans. He looks as if he is about to throw something winding up with his right arm as his throwing arm and the left arm in front, putting more pressure on his back-right leg while the left leg is lifted off of the ground a tiny amount. The season looks to be as if it fall due to the jeans and jacket the man is wearing and the lack of leaves on the trees that are near the house. The man quickly releases the baseball with not much force behind his throw, I do not know where the ball is going it could either be to another person or just to open field. He could not have much force behind his throw because maybe he is throwing it to a younger individual or maybe he is a weak individual. The camera is at a little bit below eye level a good distance away from the man.
0:05- The scenes change again and shows a young girl around the age of 4 or 5 of color dressed in flips flops twice her size, a blue and white skirt and a light grey short sleeve shirt is catching a small blow up colorful beach ball in a fenced in backyard from another person but the other person is not pictured. The sun is setting behind her. She looked frightened and shuts her eyes as the ball is coming into her bent arms. The grass is not the healthiest grass, there are many patches of dead grass and very few patches of bright green grass.
0:06- The camera shifts over to show the other little girl who is smaller than her sister dressed in a short-sleeve shirt and long blue jeans. She is having a catch in the same backyard with her sister using the small colorful beach ball. The father who is a big man of color wearing a short-sleeve button up black shirt and dark blue jeans strots out to the backyard to see his two daughters spending time together. He looks interested in getting involved with his arms out to receive if they decide to involve him in their pass and begins having a conversation with his daughters. This could be similar to the other scenes shown while a dad is involved with their children’s play.
0:07- Change of scenery again, the camera moves inside to a very nice kitchen with stainless steel appliances, the fridge has magnets all over it which shows there are most likely children who live in the house and white cabinets with silver knobs. There is a young girl with dirty blonde hair past her shoulders dressed in a blue princess dress who is running out of the kitchen very quickly as if someone is calling her name or the doorbell just rung.
0:08- A teenage boy in a dark long sleeve shirt is standing outside of a nice set of garage doors with the windows at the top and the door panels below it, the garage doors are tan during night time tossing something up in the air to himself.
0:10- The camera shifts back inside into the kitchen, stainless steel refrigerator, white cabinets and granite counter tops behind the young girl with of a father and a daughter in her teenage years having a pass with a volleyball outside of their house as it gets later into the night, it is not extremely dark out but the house light is helping these individuals see what they are doing. The blue sky is still pictured and shows through some of the trees. They volley the ball back and forth while moving around. The father is in gray shorts and a white t shirt while the daughter is in a pink hoodie and dark shorts which makes me believe that it is a summer night.
0:16- The scene changes and there is a teenage girl at sunset jumping into a backyard pool about to catch some sort of ball from an individual not pictured. She is midstride into the pool wearing a bikini and her hair pulled back with her arms fully extended into the air. There is an umbrella and a pair of chairs that are placed at the end of the pool along with a couple different planters on the cement that surrounds that pool, there is a big white fence that encloses the pool with a few trees and a red roofed house on the other side of that fence.
0:17- The girl wearing a blue bikini with her dark hair pulled up into a bun catches the ball and jumps into the pool, she is submerged under water and pops her head back up with her hair in her eyes and has a huge smile on her face and looks like she is ready to laugh about what had just happened. I am sure she is shocked that she actually the ball that was thrown. The pool has a glare on it that makes the water look a lot darker than normal light blue pool water.
0:19- The camera changes scenes again and moved to a softball field, where a tall girl with dark hair in a baggy grey t shirt and navy blue softball pants is winding up to pitch a bright yellow softball at a very fast speed. She is right handed and holds the glove in her left hand. Blue skies and a few clouds are in the sky.
0:20- The girl who just released her pitch on the softball field is pitching to her father who is dressed with a navy blue polo, navy and white hat, sunglasses and shorts who caught the ball while squatting behind home plate with the glove in his right hand. They are practicing his daughter’s pitching skills and he looks like he is ready to compliment her on her last pitch because he uses his left hand and points to her and begins speaking.
0:23- The camera moves to an older man with grey combed over hair dressed in a light blue short-sleeve shirt in the night time who has a football in his right hand. He is ready to pass it to someone who is not pictured. The houses behind the man look as though they are in Florida because of the palm trees pictured. There is a white house behind him as well as a black mini-van.
0:24: The camera zooms out and shows the man throwing the football to a woman with her hair pulled back and shows the back of her head as she puts both of her arms in the air to intercept the pass. The man and the women are about 15 feet apart in the middle of a street, it looks as if they are in a colt sack because of how the two houses pictured are positioned.
0:25- The ad transitions into a black screen with white writing for the remainder of the video “It only takes a moment to make a moment.” The author of this video could mean it only takes a moment to make an impact on someone’s life. For instance, in all of the different scenes throughout this video it only took a moment to make a child’s day by spending some quality time with them.
7 thoughts on “Visual Rewrite—beachgirl04”
You’re doing great, BeachGirl04. I note and appreciate the changes you have made. I was hoping you’d respond with a Reply of your own instead of just putting your post back into Feedback Please (most likely I asked you directly to do so), but I’m happy to provide one more round of additional Notes without demanding interaction.
Let’s try a set of style notations this time. We could still discuss content and your analysis, and we’ll do so whenever you’re ready. For now, though, let’s comb over the sentence structure. (I avoid doing so for first drafts because they so often radically change and make the corrections moot.)
You might not think style and rhetoric matter in an assignment such as this Visual Rhetoric piece, BeachGirl, and I can understand that. But everything you write for an academic composition course should reflect your best abilities, so let’s proceed with a polish.
I’ve had a lot of practice at this sort of writing, BeachGirl, so I don’t mean to suggest that it will come naturally to you, or even that you’d want to do it if it did come naturally. But the contrast between our styles should help you see how wordy your version is. You have a small 3000-word budget to communicate as much informed content as you can manage, so learning to be concise is an essential skill.
In addition to being less tiring than wordy prose, concision makes space available for more good ideas, another feature of highly-graded Portfolio assignments! 🙂
I’m going to view just the first second of your video to see if there’s anything left to add to your description.
I’m back, having viewed the first second of your video, with these revisions:
What do you think, BeachGirl? Can you write more concisely, earn yourself a bigger idea budget, and fill the space with more observations than you permitted yourself in the first draft?
You might well think the effort isn’t worth the payoff. I’ll understand that. But if you think writing is important, then learning to pack your prose with meaning should be among your first priorities.
You know what to do. Reply, Revise, and Re-categorize your post back into the Feedback Please category. (But don’t forget to Reply.)
Please don’t start another post for your Third Draft, BeachGirl. Just continue to revise this one. Eventually, we’ll post another Visual Revised, but not yet.
Thank you for replying with lots of helpful feedback. I do feel it is extremely important for me to revise this assignment as it will be placed in my portfolio at the end of the semester. I apologize for starting a new post with my revisions instead of replying to your post, I was a bit confused. I see that you gave me helpful pointers for the first second of my video. Would you recommend I edit each second of my video to make it as well written as your sample was?
I do recommend that you revise the observations for every second of course, BG. The real work of writing begins when we rewrite and our drafts can always be improved.
You’ve left behind some errors in your first second that would be worth correcting too, things you might notice now that we’ve devoted a couple of classes to revision matters.
But more importantly, consider improving your OBSERVATIONS of RHETORIC first. For example, when you watch the second scene of the young man releasing the baseball “with not too much force behind the throw,” does it occur to you, having just watched a young male throw a beach ball for the benefit of an even younger girl, that this new male might be throwing the ball “with not too much force” for the benefit of someone smaller or younger who couldn’t handle a hard-thrown ball?
If that seems like a reasonable thought that might flicker across the brain of a viewer, then it probably flickered across yours as you watched it. THOSE are the small emotional reactions evoked by strong VISUAL RHETORIC. Without being told we’re watching a boy throw a ball to a child were MADE TO CONCLUDE that that’s the scene.
See what I mean?
I’ve renamed your post “Visual Rewrite,” BG, and moved it to the Visual Rewrite category. This is the post that goes into your Portfolio. You can continue to revise it before you put it in your Portfolio, and even AFTER you put it there. But don’t create a new post when you do. Just open in Edit, revise, and Update.